Maybe I should stick to friendship…

I think I must have been in the mood for a little fooling around the day I answered that e-mail online. I finally made it plain to her last night that I didn’t think this could work. I’m not able to make myself what she wants. She needs (and I mean NEEDS) a woman to take care of her, nurture her, love her unconditionally, make her self-esteem increase, give her purpose in life. Whew, what a big job I’d have!

I think I was looking for friendship with no expectations but to let it grow if it would or remain as friends if that was the outcome. She went into this with both feet expecting me to romance her off her feet and become her wife. I really do believe that Karma is biting my ass. Years ago I was the same needy, clinging vine who expected to be saved but at the time I was trying to be a good hetero girl.At least I gave that up. Hetero I’m not and never was. But I wanted a man to save me then. Now I see why men were so repulsed by the idea!!! I can laugh now but it was serious then. I’m sure it is for her too. But I’m just not able to be her savior.

I’m not saying I couldn’t fall in love with the right woman. I think I could. Maybe. But she needs to be independent as I am. She needs to have no need of a woman except to be in love. No clingy, no needy, no lonely, no sad or depressed. Happy, outgoing, loving, intelligent, and self aware. Do straight people come out of THEIR closet and tell the world they’re straight? Then I would like a woman who doesn’t feel the need to shout to the world that she’s lesbian. Just because I am, I don’t have to make a production of it. It’s something we could share between us knowing that we love each other.

I know. I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t exist. But if she does, I’d like to find her. I think we’d have a lot to talk about for a long time. In the meantime, I think I’m going to just live my life knowing I’m a lesbian and enjoying the knowledge. And maybe a little lustful thoughts when a cute gal goes by!

Sometimes I wonder about me…

I spent last night thinking a lot. So here she is. A woman who is really interested in me romantically. She makes it obvious. And I’m holding her off. Why?

Part of the answer lies in looking at myself years ago before I discovered that single was a good thing. I was what you would call “clingy” and aggressive. Needy. Unable to stand without someone next to me. Ewwww, that even SOUNDS bad to me now. No wonder I was never treated very well. Even casual sex partners stayed at arms length because I would stat to cling. Amazing how age brings a little smarts with it. For some anyway…and that’s what’s wrong.

My sweet lady is needy. Clingy. Unable to be complete without a woman.  Oh boy. Shades of myself 10 years ago. I now understand why I had trouble finding a relationship (of any kind). She’s a mirror of me in my past. That being said, I feel empathy and compassion for how those emotions feel inside of you. It rips at you and you wonder why you can’t find THE person. You wonder why casual sex partners don’t want a second or third night with you. Why first dates don’t call back. Why even dating sites are not a source after you e-mail a couple times. I know now but she hasn’t learned.

What can I do to make her understand that I need space? That I want to be in love with her as much as she wants me to be but it isn’t possible without room to breathe. I hide on Facebook now. I turn off my phone a few times a day. When I’m ready, I go public on Facebook and turn the phone back on. Is that awful of me? Cruel? I can’t tell her about this because she wouldn’t understand it.  We talked about it and she is amazed at the fact that I am a happy person even though I’m single. She’s very unhappy as a single woman.

Is this what karma is all about? It’s come back to kick my ass.

Afraid of love but wanting it

The weeks fly by and sometimes I don’t realize how long it’s been since I started my search for a woman I could love. I really haven’t been looking that long and I suppose what I want is instant gratification so that I can relax and just hold her in my arms all night. Yet, I may have found her. I just need to give it time to nurture and grow, if indeed it will. She’s funny, sweet, sarcastic like I am, an animal lover, still believes you’re never too old to make love, wants to find that special someone as I do. The ingredients are there and I can see it being possible to fall in love with her.

But this is a huge step for me. If this does grow and mature to a lasting love, she will be the first woman who will have heard me say, “I love you.” It’s as though I’m a young woman again, virginal, untouched by anyone. She would be my first and only. I’m so afraid to let that happen yet. I don’t want her to think I’m clingy or aggressive or dependent. I’m none of those. But at some point we will meet face to face and share that first wonderful kiss. I think I will melt into her arms and let tears come. She’s had a woman to love before. This would be such a huge step in my life to finally share my life with another woman.

Why didn’t I come out when I was 18 and I could have spent my life with a woman? Maybe because I had to wait for the right one to come along. Do you think? Men taught me that I desired women more. It was a valuable lesson that I didn’t learn until I was 56 years old. By the time I had quit trying to be hetero, I knew that only women could give me what I had always needed…understanding, compassion, companionship, love, fulfilling sex, happiness with life. Men gave me none of those.

So now it’s a process of deepening the attraction as we talk daily. A summer romance that may bloom into love by September…wouldn’t that be beautiful?

It’s a start

It’s a start on the road to finding love. I met her on a lesbian site about 2 weeks ago and we’ve been talking and e-mailing every day and sometimes twice a day since. She’s much like me but yet different in many ways. I’m attracted. Very attracted. I like her smile, her red hair, her freckles, her sense of humor. Not knowing how to flirt with a woman, I’ve been just winging it and apparently it’s working because she seems to be attracted to me too.

Life is full of surprises and when I least expected to find a woman to ignite that spark, she walked into my life. Our difficulty is distance since she lives about an hour’s drive from me. But I’m not sure I can ever bring myself to live with someone so this may be a blessing for both of us. She is a widow, her life partner passed away 3 years ago. I think both of us are a little nervous about the way we feel so far. I’m almost afraid to start the phone calls. Now that I have the chance will I take it completely or will I just keep it at a distance? I think loving a woman could be the most important event in my life. But I’m afraid of loving her. Afraid of a committed love with a woman.

This is what I’ve wanted. It’s what I fantasize about. It’s what I dreamed of since before reaching puberty. I feel more desire than I ever did with a man. So why am I afraid of it? The worst thing that could happen is that I could fall madly in love with her.

 

Spring is in the air

As I took a spring drive this morning and looked at all the new and blooming nature that is starting to appear I found myself thinking how nice it would be to share this with a special woman. Spread out a blanket, have a picnic and lay next to each other finding images in the clouds…sounds like heaven.

The local girl who was e-mailing me seems to be a flake so I’m not counting on that to blossom into romance. But I have found a nice woman who lives about an hour away and she is both educated and warmhearted, the best of both worlds! We’ve been e-mailing for a few days and finding out about each other. She has a few similar experiences and interests with me including being a widow. However hers was a life partner and mine was a husband from my last attempt at being hetero. I think she’s cute as a button and I’m thankful that I don’t have to be concerned that a man will catch her eye. I’m not sure I could handle the thought that she could be attracted to a man and fortunately, I don’t have to think about it.

So spring brings out the yearning for romance and the hope that maybe I’ve found one. Each time it’s a little disappointment to find that it wasn’t what I expected. This time she is patient as I am and just writes without being pushy or wanting more than I’m ready to give. I want to find romance, love and emotion…not just lust.  I keep looking and someday I’ll find her. This could be her.

Somewhere out there is the woman I can whisper “I love you” in her ear as we embrace. I know she is thinking the same thing, whoever she is.

 

Looking for Love

In a surprise move, my prospective girlfriend sent me a nude photo of herself this morning. I was pleased with what I saw but also a little taken off my feet. I had told her I was looking for a relationship, for affection, for possible love. I thought she understood this would be more than just sex. I suppose she bases this on the hetero relationships she’s had with men who only want her body when they advertise but I’m a lesbian not a guy. I never liked feeling like a piece of meat with men. I didn’t want her to feel that way. I wanted her to feel special when we finally made love.

As much as I want a soft, sexy woman to make love to, I also want a sweet, honest, open and affectionate woman to give my love. I wrote back to explain that to her. She’s a lesbian virgin so she doesn’t know what to expect and maybe she thinks that’s what being a lesbian means. Not to me. I want a soulmate. I want a friend. I want someone to hold on the couch while we watch a movie. I want to whisper I love you in her ear before I kiss her. I want a relationship.

So that’s what I told her. I hope I didn’t scare her or make her think I didn’t want her. To be honest, the picture was such a turn on that I had a hard time putting it down. She’s seen my face picture. I didn’t send her a nude one back. I could have but I didn’t because I want it to grow between us to the point where we just HAVE to have each other. Romance. Love. Desire.

Maybe I set my sights too high for this. Maybe sex is all I can hope for.  I told her it won’t happen on our first date. I’m going to try to make this more than that. What would you do if you were me?

Maybe…just maybe

Could I have found someone? Is that possible after all these years? It’s just been e-mail so far but she sounds so perfect. She likes what I do, she’s pretty, great smile. I asked her on our first date today to just go for coffee and getting acquainted. And I’m holding my breath till she answers. She seems to be as excited as I am about this. Both of us are in the public closet and want to keep it that way.

So now I have those butterflies. Will we click? Will we have that chemistry? She’s a virgin with women (not even a kiss) and I’m pretty close to being one! But she insists this is what she has wanted for a long time. I know I have. I’ve wanted to have a girlfriend since before puberty! I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to have a committed relationship behind closed doors. To know that I have that relationship I only fantasized about, loving a woman and making love to a woman.

I know. I’m trying not to get my expectations too high. She may meet me and say let’s just be friends. But at least one other person would know my secret for the first time ever. Someone I could tell how I feel about women and what my dreams are. That would be another freedom like I felt when I came out to myself. I would have one lesbian friend who would know that I’m lesbian too. A friend right here in town.

Holding my breath till she says yes to that first date… every romance has to start somewhere!

 

The Hunting Game

I realize that being a lesbian makes it a little more difficult to find a partner than if I were hetero. Well, okay, it makes it a lot more difficult and especially if you are still in the public closet. I have a couple of old friends that I think are closet lesbians too but I don’t want to ruin a lifelong friendship by asking or revealing. Even a couple of married friends from my younger years seem to lean towards women. But I know that’s not necessarily an indicator. Some women just like to be involved with other women in mutual interest activities with no thought of romance. I like those things too.

But I want to find a life partner. Even a casual friend with benefits would be okay with me. I don’t think I’m the type to ask someone, “So what’s your sign, baby?” and I can’t think of anything more original. How do you approach a woman that you’re attracted to and who is straight in the eyes of the world? Do you simply work on friendship for a while and then slowly start to make a move? Do you just tell her honestly that you are attracted and see if she screams in fear?

Spring has me looking. Summer will have me staring. Fall will have me looking for a cuddle buddy. Winter will make me wish I had found someone to warm my nights. In the meantime, I need to learn how to play the game so I stand a chance of winning at least one. I would be so much better at this if I had just come out when I was 14. Who knows, I might already have found that life partner years ago and made her my wife. One of those lifelong friends who married men might have become my wife instead…what a thought.

Random thoughts on other lesbians

Sitting here checking the stats on this blog, I suddenly realized that it had been read in some places where being a lesbian could be a death sentence. So that set me to wondering if it was men or women reading it in those places.

I try to imagine what it must be like to lust after women knowing it could get you killed. In this country, you might meet with disapproval or even loss of friends or family but no one will arrest you or stone you or shoot you. Men are of course avid readers of lesbian blogs because for whatever reason, they get turned on by it. Trust me guys, we don’t do it to turn YOU on!

If I traveled to the middle East or India or Africa or Malaysia I could never disclose my sexual preferences. If I was traveling with a partner we would have to be overly discreet and certainly not show our feelings in public in any way. So what does a lesbian do in these parts of the world? Does she move? Does she just try to sneak with a friend and hope for the best? Does she never explore her sexuality and instead allow a man to use her body?  A lot of questions over my morning cup of coffee while I imagine beautiful women who can’t live life honestly.

After reading the stats, I find that I am extremely thankful that I can explore my sexuality, look for a partner (whether committed or casual) and enjoy knowing I am a lesbian. If the location of my birth isn’t enough to be thankful for, certainly the knowledge that I will never be punished for it is even more reason! To my readers in those countries, I wish you love with a woman even if behind closed doors.

I may not have that special woman to kiss and make love to yet, but I can go looking. Today is a new day in the hunt and I feel free to browse women in pictures and in person! I’m a lucky lesbian!!

Spring is in the air

It’s almost spring. It’s when flowers and love both bloom.  It’s new growth and new love. Even though today isn’t really a springtime day, it’s around the corner.

I’ve started a couple of online friendships with lesbians in my state this last week but nothing earthshaking. Still, it’s like the springtime of my new life. Women who share my love of women are now in my life. They are within a short drive to meet. That’s a start, a spring season.

I’ve been thinking about it and I suppose a lot of people I know suspect that I’m lesbian. I don’t act very hetero. I don’t talk about men. I don’t seem to respond too enthusiastically when a friend points out a handsome man. I often tell people that I have no interest in men anymore. I talk about women I’ve met. And I do stare at women who have low cut blouses and deep cleavage.  It doesn’t bother me if they think I am but I’m not prepared to admit they are right. If anyone ever asked me, I’d admit it readily.

Admitting to myself that I have always been a lesbian was like that breath of fresh spring air I just breathed in this morning. It gives me a sense of freedom from the facade I tried to use to cover up my sexual preference. Sort of like that spring flower poking through the soil and showing its buds…I’m letting my true self be seen. But the daffodil doesn’t scream to the world, “I’m a daffodil!” Instead it just does its thing and the world sees that it’s a daffodil. That’s how I feel about  coming out. Women are beautiful , sexy and attractive to me. I don’t try to really conceal my admiration. The world should recognize me as I am without having to make an announcement.

I want to make love to someone special on a warm summer night on the beach watching the stars this year.  Soft kisses, whispering my love to her…