Spring is in the air

As I took a spring drive this morning and looked at all the new and blooming nature that is starting to appear I found myself thinking how nice it would be to share this with a special woman. Spread out a blanket, have a picnic and lay next to each other finding images in the clouds…sounds like heaven.

The local girl who was e-mailing me seems to be a flake so I’m not counting on that to blossom into romance. But I have found a nice woman who lives about an hour away and she is both educated and warmhearted, the best of both worlds! We’ve been e-mailing for a few days and finding out about each other. She has a few similar experiences and interests with me including being a widow. However hers was a life partner and mine was a husband from my last attempt at being hetero. I think she’s cute as a button and I’m thankful that I don’t have to be concerned that a man will catch her eye. I’m not sure I could handle the thought that she could be attracted to a man and fortunately, I don’t have to think about it.

So spring brings out the yearning for romance and the hope that maybe I’ve found one. Each time it’s a little disappointment to find that it wasn’t what I expected. This time she is patient as I am and just writes without being pushy or wanting more than I’m ready to give. I want to find romance, love and emotion…not just lust.  I keep looking and someday I’ll find her. This could be her.

Somewhere out there is the woman I can whisper “I love you” in her ear as we embrace. I know she is thinking the same thing, whoever she is.

 

The Hunting Game

I realize that being a lesbian makes it a little more difficult to find a partner than if I were hetero. Well, okay, it makes it a lot more difficult and especially if you are still in the public closet. I have a couple of old friends that I think are closet lesbians too but I don’t want to ruin a lifelong friendship by asking or revealing. Even a couple of married friends from my younger years seem to lean towards women. But I know that’s not necessarily an indicator. Some women just like to be involved with other women in mutual interest activities with no thought of romance. I like those things too.

But I want to find a life partner. Even a casual friend with benefits would be okay with me. I don’t think I’m the type to ask someone, “So what’s your sign, baby?” and I can’t think of anything more original. How do you approach a woman that you’re attracted to and who is straight in the eyes of the world? Do you simply work on friendship for a while and then slowly start to make a move? Do you just tell her honestly that you are attracted and see if she screams in fear?

Spring has me looking. Summer will have me staring. Fall will have me looking for a cuddle buddy. Winter will make me wish I had found someone to warm my nights. In the meantime, I need to learn how to play the game so I stand a chance of winning at least one. I would be so much better at this if I had just come out when I was 14. Who knows, I might already have found that life partner years ago and made her my wife. One of those lifelong friends who married men might have become my wife instead…what a thought.

Spring is in the air

It’s almost spring. It’s when flowers and love both bloom.  It’s new growth and new love. Even though today isn’t really a springtime day, it’s around the corner.

I’ve started a couple of online friendships with lesbians in my state this last week but nothing earthshaking. Still, it’s like the springtime of my new life. Women who share my love of women are now in my life. They are within a short drive to meet. That’s a start, a spring season.

I’ve been thinking about it and I suppose a lot of people I know suspect that I’m lesbian. I don’t act very hetero. I don’t talk about men. I don’t seem to respond too enthusiastically when a friend points out a handsome man. I often tell people that I have no interest in men anymore. I talk about women I’ve met. And I do stare at women who have low cut blouses and deep cleavage.  It doesn’t bother me if they think I am but I’m not prepared to admit they are right. If anyone ever asked me, I’d admit it readily.

Admitting to myself that I have always been a lesbian was like that breath of fresh spring air I just breathed in this morning. It gives me a sense of freedom from the facade I tried to use to cover up my sexual preference. Sort of like that spring flower poking through the soil and showing its buds…I’m letting my true self be seen. But the daffodil doesn’t scream to the world, “I’m a daffodil!” Instead it just does its thing and the world sees that it’s a daffodil. That’s how I feel about  coming out. Women are beautiful , sexy and attractive to me. I don’t try to really conceal my admiration. The world should recognize me as I am without having to make an announcement.

I want to make love to someone special on a warm summer night on the beach watching the stars this year.  Soft kisses, whispering my love to her…

Being a lesbian is tough sometimes

Today is another one of those days that I can’t get that fantasy lover out of my head. I’ve been so hot and bothered all day that it’s all I think about. I usually can take care of it and it doesn’t come back for a week or two but no matter how good that masturbation was yesterday… I’m back to the same problem today. I’ll run out of batteries at this rate!

There are only a few solutions to this. I can continue to masturbate until I wear out my toys. I can search for casual sex online. I can search for a permanent committed relationship online. Marrying her would be ideal at this point. I am beginning to think I want a wife. Someone I can hold every night and be committed to for a lifetime. I know my life would have been enormously better if I hadn’t married 3 men and instead married the one woman to share my life, my emotions and my body. I should have had a wife. I wish I had found a wife. Unfortunately it’s so much easier to find a man my age than it is to find a beautiful woman soulmate to share the rest of my life.

Ramblings of a very horny lesbian today…If I don’t run out of batteries, I’ll take care of this. I still wish I had the love of my life in my bed. She’s out there somewhere wishing the same thing. I love you wherever you are and my body aches for you.  When I find you, you’ll be my wife.