Maybe…just maybe

Could I have found someone? Is that possible after all these years? It’s just been e-mail so far but she sounds so perfect. She likes what I do, she’s pretty, great smile. I asked her on our first date today to just go for coffee and getting acquainted. And I’m holding my breath till she answers. She seems to be as excited as I am about this. Both of us are in the public closet and want to keep it that way.

So now I have those butterflies. Will we click? Will we have that chemistry? She’s a virgin with women (not even a kiss) and I’m pretty close to being one! But she insists this is what she has wanted for a long time. I know I have. I’ve wanted to have a girlfriend since before puberty! I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to have a committed relationship behind closed doors. To know that I have that relationship I only fantasized about, loving a woman and making love to a woman.

I know. I’m trying not to get my expectations too high. She may meet me and say let’s just be friends. But at least one other person would know my secret for the first time ever. Someone I could tell how I feel about women and what my dreams are. That would be another freedom like I felt when I came out to myself. I would have one lesbian friend who would know that I’m lesbian too. A friend right here in town.

Holding my breath till she says yes to that first date… every romance has to start somewhere!

 

So let’s get personal…

I’ve been reading a lot of lesbian blogs lately. I guess I’m trying to learn how to be a better lesbian since my experience is limited. I’m not sure how much I’ve learned but I did learn a few preferences and dislikes.

First, I learned that I’m not really attracted to butches. I’m not turned off by them either but I guess maybe I’m a little butch and I like the femmes or butchy femmes (which I think I am).

I realized that I wouldn’t recognize a femme lesbian if I walked straight into her in the middle of Walmart. Lesbians look like everyone else, probably because we are like everyone else. Of course this makes it harder to know who you can make a pass at! But it also makes it easier for being discreet in public.

Women who like women tend to overthink the role. They get so psychologically deep in their desires and dreams that I get lost in the explanation. I’m just a plain old lesbian girl who thinks women are the sexiest thing on the planet and I have known that all my life. I don’t need psychoanalysis or even counseling about my lesbian way of life. And I don’t spend all day trying to figure it out for myself.

And as for sex…well, this is a touchier subject because it gets pretty personal. I had strictly hetero sex for most of my life until recent years. It wasn’t that good. To be honest, the penis is not what I enjoy. I also don’t like penis replicas. I like a nice vibrator applied gently and I don’t even want to discuss the possibility of a strap on. In other words, I didn’t come out of the closet to find a pseudo male partner. I want a woman who pleases me with only the parts she was born with and no extra attachments. Apparently, I am in the minority according to the blogs and lesbian websites.

The only thing I found on these sites that didn’t need to be taught to me was the inner compulsion to find a woman to love and hold until death do us part. All lesbians share that one common thread of wanting to love another woman for a lifetime. On that note, I have finally gotten a response from a local personal ad from a very pretty redhead. We are in the process of getting to know each other before the exciting first meeting. All of the lesbian research and now finding a pretty lady has made this week the best so far. I really hope she doesn’t own a strap on…

 

Spring is in the air

It’s almost spring. It’s when flowers and love both bloom.  It’s new growth and new love. Even though today isn’t really a springtime day, it’s around the corner.

I’ve started a couple of online friendships with lesbians in my state this last week but nothing earthshaking. Still, it’s like the springtime of my new life. Women who share my love of women are now in my life. They are within a short drive to meet. That’s a start, a spring season.

I’ve been thinking about it and I suppose a lot of people I know suspect that I’m lesbian. I don’t act very hetero. I don’t talk about men. I don’t seem to respond too enthusiastically when a friend points out a handsome man. I often tell people that I have no interest in men anymore. I talk about women I’ve met. And I do stare at women who have low cut blouses and deep cleavage.  It doesn’t bother me if they think I am but I’m not prepared to admit they are right. If anyone ever asked me, I’d admit it readily.

Admitting to myself that I have always been a lesbian was like that breath of fresh spring air I just breathed in this morning. It gives me a sense of freedom from the facade I tried to use to cover up my sexual preference. Sort of like that spring flower poking through the soil and showing its buds…I’m letting my true self be seen. But the daffodil doesn’t scream to the world, “I’m a daffodil!” Instead it just does its thing and the world sees that it’s a daffodil. That’s how I feel about  coming out. Women are beautiful , sexy and attractive to me. I don’t try to really conceal my admiration. The world should recognize me as I am without having to make an announcement.

I want to make love to someone special on a warm summer night on the beach watching the stars this year.  Soft kisses, whispering my love to her…

One of those weeks

It’s been a constant need and my mind won’t let it go this week. Most of the time my mind is busy with the things I’m involved in and I don’t get much time to think about women. This week is different. It seems to be a constant thought that wakes me up every day.

I’ve been trying to figure out the reason for this. Is it a high hormone week that has my body in little nerve knots? Is it someone I’ve seen who turned me on? Is it because I now think of myself as a lesbian consciously? Is it just lust this week? It may be a little of all of them.

I know that since I became honest with myself about being a lesbian from the earliest time I can remember I have become more conscious of my emotions, my desires and my lust. I know that I look at women more now. I allow myself to be affected by a woman’s look or touch and get as turned on as my body wants to be. Some women cause such lust and desire in me that I just wish I could seduce them right then and others are just friends like always. I know that’s how it’s supposed to be but I never experienced it before I became honest with myself.

Oh believe me, I was always attracted to women since I could walk and talk. But I kept it in check because “nice” girls weren’t supposed to fall in love with other girls. “Nice” girls got married to MEN and had babies and never never thought of a woman except as a friend. So I knew from early on that my thoughts weren’t what “nice” girls thought. “Nice” girls wouldn’t want to suck on a beautiful breast with a big nipple. And certainly never want to french kiss a woman!! Oh my! I had “dirty” thoughts. How could I ever want something like that?

Easy. Women could always turn me on with the slightest touch or in the locker room at school naked when we were showering or at the beach in skimpy bikinis. But I fought it. I fought it hard. I married 3 times. I just knew if I found the right man I’d quit thinking about women like that. But I didn’t. I finally quit trying that and times changed and public opinion changed and I felt safe allowing myself to at least have beautiful fantasies, lustful thoughts and a couple of casual encounters with sexy women. I could no longer lie to myself. I wasn’t even bi-sexual. I didn’t have any attraction to men at all. But oh how I was attracted to a big-busted woman with long hair and a sweet smile!

And so this week, I can’t quit thinking about women. All women. I went online to look at nudes. I browsed the dating sites. I flirted with a couple younger girls at the store. And I have worn out my vibrator. I sure hope this passes. Or that I happen to find a woman who has the same lustful thoughts and needs to satisfy them. Maybe she lives next door. I’ve never tried. Hmmmm, there’s a thought…a neighbor would be convenient, wouldn’t it?

It’s all in my kiss

Can you imagine that kiss? Can you imagine the emotions? Can you feel the longing? Look at those women so in love just like I want to be. I’ve always wanted to have a kiss as erotic and passionate as the one in that picture. But I don’t know how to fall in love as a lesbian. I don’t know how to find a woman who wants me. I don’t know how to date a woman. I know how to make love to her if I find her but then how do I find her? I’ve always thought the most erotic and sexy thing with a woman was a kiss.

That’s why all of my posts have pictures of women kissing . It shows love and passion and caring and tenderness all in one photo and it turns me on almost more than anything else can. Making love to another woman will be easy because it will come from my heart. I just don’t know how to find her and I’m always afraid to try in case the woman I’m attracted to isn’t attracted to me. Or worse yet, that she is straight and horrified at my sincere expression of affection. I guess I would like someone to tell me how to find a woman who wants another woman, another old lesbian like me who wants the touch of another and to fall in love.

I think this would have been easier if I had acknowledged being a lesbian when I was younger. The lesbian dating sites are full of women in their 20s and 30s who are free to tell the world that they’re lesbian and that they love other women. But I’m from the good old days when being a lesbian was something you needed to hide and now I can’t tell anyone. So how do you find another lesbian my age who is living in the closet like I am? I know there must be hundreds of women my age within 20 miles of me who dream of being with a woman but they don’t advertise. They fantasize like I do and are probably wondering the same thing… How can you find another woman? In fact, I bet at least one or two women in my close circle of friends are lesbians who have not come out of the closet. But do I want to risk their friendship to attempt to ask one of them for a date? What would happen if I tried to kiss her when we were alone? One in particular attracts me. Her personality, her body, her scent…what if?????

Until I get enough courage to make a pass at someone who attracts me I suppose I’ll be a lesbian living alone and continuing my fantasies. But at least now I admit I’m a lesbian and that was the best gift to be honest with myself. Only a woman’s kiss will make me want to fall in love. Whoever you are, I love you and I’ve wanted you all my life.