I thought it would be an easy transition from being a fake straight girl to a genuine lesbian. I was wrong. It’s easy in my mind. I had no problem whatsoever recognizing my sexual preferences. Believe me, I know what turns me on. I had no problem admitting to myself that I have always been lesbian. I have no problem admitting to myself that men don’t light my fire. I’m not out of the closet to friends and family but that is by choice to keep life simpler. But I thought I could certainly find a compatible woman to have an emotional and physical relationship that both of us could find satisfying.
There’s where I hit a rough patch in the road. I know I could fall madly in love with the right woman and love her till death do us part. Deep in my heart, I know there must be a woman who could love me the same way. I often fantasize about waking up to a sweet woman whose head is nestled on my shoulder after a night of love and lovemaking.
What I have found so far is that if I find a woman online who is reasonably stable and near my age, she turns out to have some quirks. I know we all have our quirks but I’d like to find someone whose quirks are not so quirky….you know? The woman who is still clinging to the hope that I’ll be her wife someday just smothers me. I hate being rude but I have to ignore her messages, phone calls and texts sometimes. She would take my every waking moment if she could. She has been an out of the closet lesbian all her life and lived with a woman (who I never hear the end of) for 10 years before leaving her a widow (although not legally married of course). Her goal in life is to find a woman to marry…the legal kind of marry. That isn’t my goal.
I think what I need to find is a woman who has lived most of her life like I have, a fake straight woman. She’s been married many years, had kids and always loved to be near women. A woman who knows what regular living is all about but wants to be loved by a woman and give her love back to a woman. She wants to be independent for the first time in her life and wants a woman who values independence like she does. If I find that woman I know I could melt in her arms with the first kiss. There must be thousands of women out there who have waited all their lives to be able to love a woman. Oh, sweet girl, where are you??
I know, I just probably hit the wrong match online but I realized I’m not ready to be attached and committed to anyone. I have to hide my profile online so she won’t pounce on me the minute I turn on the computer. I had to make my profiles hidden on dating sites because she kept asking me if there was anyone else I was talking to from the site where we met. She’s still hung up on her partner who died 10 years ago. Maybe I should just be a womanizer (wow, I thought only guys did that) and enjoy the physical side of being a lesbian and not be harassed by stalkers.
I never really expected to be like the kind of guys that I disliked. I always thought men who were only out there for sex were shallow and mean. Now I think I get it. It’s a lot easier to just have a little sex with variety than it is to put up with a woman who haunts your waking hours. Part of the reason she’s the way she is can be attributed to her lack of social life. She only hangs with other lesbians, has no friends from the straight world, doesn’t go out much, is a reformed alcoholic with anger issues….well, I’d like to think she’s just a rare case but I’ve found some pretty strange women online!
Anybody want a nice slow roll in the sheets? I’m ready….give me your number, baby. I promise I’ll respect you in the morning…did you say you have a sister?
I think I must have been in the mood for a little fooling around the day I answered that e-mail online. I finally made it plain to her last night that I didn’t think this could work. I’m not able to make myself what she wants. She needs (and I mean NEEDS) a woman to take care of her, nurture her, love her unconditionally, make her self-esteem increase, give her purpose in life. Whew, what a big job I’d have!
I think I was looking for friendship with no expectations but to let it grow if it would or remain as friends if that was the outcome. She went into this with both feet expecting me to romance her off her feet and become her wife. I really do believe that Karma is biting my ass. Years ago I was the same needy, clinging vine who expected to be saved but at the time I was trying to be a good hetero girl.At least I gave that up. Hetero I’m not and never was. But I wanted a man to save me then. Now I see why men were so repulsed by the idea!!! I can laugh now but it was serious then. I’m sure it is for her too. But I’m just not able to be her savior.
I’m not saying I couldn’t fall in love with the right woman. I think I could. Maybe. But she needs to be independent as I am. She needs to have no need of a woman except to be in love. No clingy, no needy, no lonely, no sad or depressed. Happy, outgoing, loving, intelligent, and self aware. Do straight people come out of THEIR closet and tell the world they’re straight? Then I would like a woman who doesn’t feel the need to shout to the world that she’s lesbian. Just because I am, I don’t have to make a production of it. It’s something we could share between us knowing that we love each other.
I know. I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t exist. But if she does, I’d like to find her. I think we’d have a lot to talk about for a long time. In the meantime, I think I’m going to just live my life knowing I’m a lesbian and enjoying the knowledge. And maybe a little lustful thoughts when a cute gal goes by!
Just a brief note to keep the world updated…I don’t think this is my Princess Charming. Not even close. She’s careless with money, clingy and aggressive, gets upset if I’m not available for one day to talk to her for hours. I can see shades of my old self in her and I wonder why anyone ever put up with me. Karma is a bitch.
So, I just have to keep this at arm’s length and not let it progress any farther than it already has. I don’t want to give her false hopes that we will ever be a couple. She means well but I feel smothered. Overwhelmed. And pursued! She’s almost enough to make me try to pretend to be hetero again….well maybe not.
So, back to the drawing board and the dating sites to try to find someone with a little less of a hunger to find someone. She is one lonely lady who can’t accept single very well. I think single works for me right now. Maybe it always will.
Just a thought. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just found somebody for a one night stand, had a good time and quit looking for Ms. Right. I mean really Ms. Right Now sounds okay to me today.
Just ranting. I still have my needy girl wanting me. I just need to decide if I want to start that. Sex would make it impossible to get out of if it didn’t work out. She’d cling. At least a one nighter would be easy to kiss and say goodbye. Thanks for the good time!
Write off my rant today to just being normally horny. I haven’t been laid in so long I forgot what it’s really for. My vibrator has become my sweetie… how sad. I think I’ll go become unhorny now that I think of it. Poor girl waiting for me. She probably is as horny as I am!!
I spent last night thinking a lot. So here she is. A woman who is really interested in me romantically. She makes it obvious. And I’m holding her off. Why?
Part of the answer lies in looking at myself years ago before I discovered that single was a good thing. I was what you would call “clingy” and aggressive. Needy. Unable to stand without someone next to me. Ewwww, that even SOUNDS bad to me now. No wonder I was never treated very well. Even casual sex partners stayed at arms length because I would stat to cling. Amazing how age brings a little smarts with it. For some anyway…and that’s what’s wrong.
My sweet lady is needy. Clingy. Unable to be complete without a woman. Oh boy. Shades of myself 10 years ago. I now understand why I had trouble finding a relationship (of any kind). She’s a mirror of me in my past. That being said, I feel empathy and compassion for how those emotions feel inside of you. It rips at you and you wonder why you can’t find THE person. You wonder why casual sex partners don’t want a second or third night with you. Why first dates don’t call back. Why even dating sites are not a source after you e-mail a couple times. I know now but she hasn’t learned.
What can I do to make her understand that I need space? That I want to be in love with her as much as she wants me to be but it isn’t possible without room to breathe. I hide on Facebook now. I turn off my phone a few times a day. When I’m ready, I go public on Facebook and turn the phone back on. Is that awful of me? Cruel? I can’t tell her about this because she wouldn’t understand it. We talked about it and she is amazed at the fact that I am a happy person even though I’m single. She’s very unhappy as a single woman.
Is this what karma is all about? It’s come back to kick my ass.
The weeks fly by and sometimes I don’t realize how long it’s been since I started my search for a woman I could love. I really haven’t been looking that long and I suppose what I want is instant gratification so that I can relax and just hold her in my arms all night. Yet, I may have found her. I just need to give it time to nurture and grow, if indeed it will. She’s funny, sweet, sarcastic like I am, an animal lover, still believes you’re never too old to make love, wants to find that special someone as I do. The ingredients are there and I can see it being possible to fall in love with her.
But this is a huge step for me. If this does grow and mature to a lasting love, she will be the first woman who will have heard me say, “I love you.” It’s as though I’m a young woman again, virginal, untouched by anyone. She would be my first and only. I’m so afraid to let that happen yet. I don’t want her to think I’m clingy or aggressive or dependent. I’m none of those. But at some point we will meet face to face and share that first wonderful kiss. I think I will melt into her arms and let tears come. She’s had a woman to love before. This would be such a huge step in my life to finally share my life with another woman.
Why didn’t I come out when I was 18 and I could have spent my life with a woman? Maybe because I had to wait for the right one to come along. Do you think? Men taught me that I desired women more. It was a valuable lesson that I didn’t learn until I was 56 years old. By the time I had quit trying to be hetero, I knew that only women could give me what I had always needed…understanding, compassion, companionship, love, fulfilling sex, happiness with life. Men gave me none of those.
So now it’s a process of deepening the attraction as we talk daily. A summer romance that may bloom into love by September…wouldn’t that be beautiful?