There’s still hope

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My prospective date is e-mailing me again. It turns out she was ill and her computer broke all at the same time. I will take that for now and if we meet later I know it was true. But she has become more romantic, talks more about getting butterflies when she sees my e-mails. She’s even telling me she’s looking forward to our first kiss and maybe more. (I’m on the “maybe more” stage but not saying so!!)

So maybe there is still a chance for romance in my life after all. I know that I’m excited to start this romance and anxious to see her. She’s cute and cuddly and that’s what made me interested. Long red hair, green eyes, nice body, sweet conversations…. boy spring fever has hit! I still have to remember that she’s a virgin and take it slow with her. She’s nervous and she admitted that. She said I’m the first woman to have her this interested and she thinks we could have something started. Whew! Yes! I’m ready!!! I told her it was up to her for each move. No pressure.

Think I am doing okay so far? Any advice? Off to daydream now about my sweet lady…

Another week…

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Another week in the life of this senior citizen lesbian and I find myself more at peace with spending my future solo. Somehow I guess I never thought of being lesbian and being solo. Even though I have no “special someone” I still feel lesbian and still feel good about allowing myself to be the real person I am inside.

This year has been an eye-opener for me in more ways than one. I realized there are just as many disingenuous women as there are men and that no matter what my sexuality I need to filter those I am considering allowing into my life. I’m not so sure that online searching is a good idea even though it seems to be the easiest way when you aren’t hetero.  I think I’m more at ease with just sitting back and enjoying the companionship of women without the romantic component added in.

Women are great companions for each other without even having to work at it. They fulfill all of my needs as far as friendship, emotional bonding, psychological therapy, erotic stimulation and personal confidants (to a point…I’m in the closet remember!). The sexual side of it, although not ideal, can be taken care of by me personally. I suppose that romantic love is the only thing that can’t be fulfilled if I decide to just live as a lesbian without a partner.

I think the initial freedom of allowing myself to be a lesbian and live as a lesbian drove me to look for a partner. At my age, if I were to find someone who just happened into my life, I’d be thrilled. But I don’t think I want to make an active effort to find someone. Probably the best part about my choices this year is that I no longer have to pretend for myself.  I know what I like, what I prefer, what I have always preferred. And it was a wonderful freedom when I let myself live it.

At least I will live the rest of my life as I should have lived the first part. How good it feels to not be pseudo hetero anymore!

So sex isn’t the only reason…

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I’ve come to the conclusion that sex isn’t the only thing that makes a woman a lesbian. It’s finding that the only people you feel emotions, connections and attraction to are women. Not just physical but also intellectual and emotional.

Men don’t seem to have what it takes to make that connection with me. I used to think that men were just not capable of any of that but now I realize it’s me that is incapable of feeling it from men.  I don’t think I hate men. In fact I know I don’t. I have male friends who just don’t seem to “get it” when it comes to anything other than their interests. So I don’t really hang out with them.

That’s a shame really. Men have men friends and are attracted to women. I’d like the same…men friends and be attracted to women. It apparently doesn’t work that way. I don’t know any lesbians who hang with men and date women. They may be butch but they hang with other butches or just with other women in general.

I just have a lot to learn when it comes to being lesbian. So far, even with limited knowledge of how other women live the same life, I am enjoying the complete disconnection from trying to find a man. It was always more effort than anything else. And it never was worth the effort…in the end I was still looking at other women! But I guess what I’m having a problem with is being friends with women and being attracted to women. It seems like women have a lot of shoes to fill in my life!

By the way, my hot date for Monday didn’t turn out. I didn’t expect it to. When she e-mailed me the nudie I knew she was just bi-curious no matter what she said. I never heard from her again and it’s been almost 3 weeks. It was a nice fantasy for a while though! Maybe I’ll just enjoy a stress free life and girl watch only.

Obsession

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Do you think that newly admitted lesbians become obsessed in the beginning? I can’t seem to look at women without picturing them naked or the ones who really attract me seem to set me to fantasizing.

I personally think it’s due to the knowledge that I CAN so I DO. But it may be a little obsessive too. Then again, maybe if I had a partner to spend some time with I wouldn’t obsess. It hasn’t been a bad thing. It just worries me that I’m different than other women. I always looked at women and felt attractions to some but now I seem to wake up thinking about women.

I think the answer lies in getting used to being me. Getting used to being an admitted woman lover. Getting used to enjoying the nearness of a woman. The shiny hasn’t worn off this new thingamajig. I suppose that’s the whole thing. Eventually, it will just be me being me. You know the good part about being lesbian? Well, one of the good parts…. when we see a woman who turns us on there isn’t any part of our body that gives it away like it does on a guy! What an advantage…

 

Looking for Love

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In a surprise move, my prospective girlfriend sent me a nude photo of herself this morning. I was pleased with what I saw but also a little taken off my feet. I had told her I was looking for a relationship, for affection, for possible love. I thought she understood this would be more than just sex. I suppose she bases this on the hetero relationships she’s had with men who only want her body when they advertise but I’m a lesbian not a guy. I never liked feeling like a piece of meat with men. I didn’t want her to feel that way. I wanted her to feel special when we finally made love.

As much as I want a soft, sexy woman to make love to, I also want a sweet, honest, open and affectionate woman to give my love. I wrote back to explain that to her. She’s a lesbian virgin so she doesn’t know what to expect and maybe she thinks that’s what being a lesbian means. Not to me. I want a soulmate. I want a friend. I want someone to hold on the couch while we watch a movie. I want to whisper I love you in her ear before I kiss her. I want a relationship.

So that’s what I told her. I hope I didn’t scare her or make her think I didn’t want her. To be honest, the picture was such a turn on that I had a hard time putting it down. She’s seen my face picture. I didn’t send her a nude one back. I could have but I didn’t because I want it to grow between us to the point where we just HAVE to have each other. Romance. Love. Desire.

Maybe I set my sights too high for this. Maybe sex is all I can hope for.  I told her it won’t happen on our first date. I’m going to try to make this more than that. What would you do if you were me?

Maybe…just maybe

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Could I have found someone? Is that possible after all these years? It’s just been e-mail so far but she sounds so perfect. She likes what I do, she’s pretty, great smile. I asked her on our first date today to just go for coffee and getting acquainted. And I’m holding my breath till she answers. She seems to be as excited as I am about this. Both of us are in the public closet and want to keep it that way.

So now I have those butterflies. Will we click? Will we have that chemistry? She’s a virgin with women (not even a kiss) and I’m pretty close to being one! But she insists this is what she has wanted for a long time. I know I have. I’ve wanted to have a girlfriend since before puberty! I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to have a committed relationship behind closed doors. To know that I have that relationship I only fantasized about, loving a woman and making love to a woman.

I know. I’m trying not to get my expectations too high. She may meet me and say let’s just be friends. But at least one other person would know my secret for the first time ever. Someone I could tell how I feel about women and what my dreams are. That would be another freedom like I felt when I came out to myself. I would have one lesbian friend who would know that I’m lesbian too. A friend right here in town.

Holding my breath till she says yes to that first date… every romance has to start somewhere!

 

So let’s get personal…

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I’ve been reading a lot of lesbian blogs lately. I guess I’m trying to learn how to be a better lesbian since my experience is limited. I’m not sure how much I’ve learned but I did learn a few preferences and dislikes.

First, I learned that I’m not really attracted to butches. I’m not turned off by them either but I guess maybe I’m a little butch and I like the femmes or butchy femmes (which I think I am).

I realized that I wouldn’t recognize a femme lesbian if I walked straight into her in the middle of Walmart. Lesbians look like everyone else, probably because we are like everyone else. Of course this makes it harder to know who you can make a pass at! But it also makes it easier for being discreet in public.

Women who like women tend to overthink the role. They get so psychologically deep in their desires and dreams that I get lost in the explanation. I’m just a plain old lesbian girl who thinks women are the sexiest thing on the planet and I have known that all my life. I don’t need psychoanalysis or even counseling about my lesbian way of life. And I don’t spend all day trying to figure it out for myself.

And as for sex…well, this is a touchier subject because it gets pretty personal. I had strictly hetero sex for most of my life until recent years. It wasn’t that good. To be honest, the penis is not what I enjoy. I also don’t like penis replicas. I like a nice vibrator applied gently and I don’t even want to discuss the possibility of a strap on. In other words, I didn’t come out of the closet to find a pseudo male partner. I want a woman who pleases me with only the parts she was born with and no extra attachments. Apparently, I am in the minority according to the blogs and lesbian websites.

The only thing I found on these sites that didn’t need to be taught to me was the inner compulsion to find a woman to love and hold until death do us part. All lesbians share that one common thread of wanting to love another woman for a lifetime. On that note, I have finally gotten a response from a local personal ad from a very pretty redhead. We are in the process of getting to know each other before the exciting first meeting. All of the lesbian research and now finding a pretty lady has made this week the best so far. I really hope she doesn’t own a strap on…

 

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